TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: The science of categorizing shit has been
thoroughly investigated and developed over the year by our shit specialists.
Some said you are what you shit. This saying is true because the kind of food
you eat really does affect the nature of your shit and your shitting habits.
The following is the breakdown types of shits.
GhostShit-That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper,
but there is no shit in the toilet.
CleanShit-The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Shit-The kind where you wipe your but 50 times and it still feels un-wiped.
So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you
don't ruin them with brown stain.
Second Wave Shit-It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants
up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.
BrainHemorrhageThroughYourNoseShit or the Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit-
The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
RichardSimmons Shit-The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30pounds.
Corn Shit-Self-explanatory.
Lincoln Log Shit-The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to
flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toiletbrush.
Drinker's Shit-That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night
of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the
tread-marks left on the bottom of the toilet.
"Gee, I Wish I Could Shit" Shit-It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you
do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Shit-That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear
it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Shit or the Power Dump-That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast
that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
Liquid Shit-That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically
burning your tender anus.
Mexican Food Shit-A class all its own!!
The Crowd Pleaser- This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
The Mood Enhancer- This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
The Ritual- This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
The Guiness Book of Records Shit- A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
The Aftershock Shit- This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
The "HONEYMOON'S OVER" Shit- This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
The moaner- A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
The floater- Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
The Ranger Shit- A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
The PHANTOM Shit- This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
The PEEK-A-BOO Shit- Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
The BombShell- A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
The Snake-Charmer- A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.
The Olympic Shit- This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
The BACK-TO-NATURE Shit- This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
The PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN Shit- An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT- Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA- Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT- Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT- The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT- This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT- Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT- The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT- When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
The Dairy Queen Shit- The shit that has the little swirl thingie on the end of it.
